“Hey.” I mutter, as I tried to remember to breathe. You'd think I'd be use to this. But I'm not.
“Won’t you come in?”
“Sur…” I began to say.
“No!” Ms. Starling interrupts. “Thank you, Stephanie. I need to start heading back to Seattle.”
“Can’t you stay for a drink?” Stephanie says. She doesn’t take her eyes off of me.
I start to feel like I'm in a 1920's show. An image of Ms. Sterling in a rustic top hat appeared in mind. She waves a wand and shouts to a mass of people. Come and get one. My arms feel heavy as I picture them chained up with a bunch of other kids. This one can dance, that one can read… how about a cook? We’ve got them all! I make the image of Ms. Starling snap back her head with an evil laugh.
I chuck back a small smirk as I pop the image out of my mind. Unlike my mind, which is more vivid than I want, the rest of my body still feels dizzy and weak.
Ms. Sterling rambles on about her long day. I know she’ll stop at a hotel on the way back. Maybe even go shopping tomorrow at the outlet mall she pointed out on the way here. Perhaps even see the movie she talked briefly about. But she’ll calm all of it, of course , “for the children.” As she pats the invisible crown on top of her head, she tries desperately to hang on to.
She can always make such a little task seem as if it’s the hardest thing ever. But, I know her better than that. I see through the stories she give to others. I wait as she creates the angel halo around her head for Stephanie. But I know I'm really waiting for the last lie she always says to me.
“Jazlyn, this is Stephanie Erickson, I’m sure you’ll be happy here.” She gushes a smile at me, and turns to walk away.
-There it is. Her famous last six words. - I’m sure you’ll be happy here. The lie she always says when she drops me of with strangers.
Ms. Starling is to her car before I turn around. But not before I catch a glimpse of her hair blowing wildly in the wind. That brings back another smirk to my face. I know how much Ms. Starling hates to get her hair messed up. It’s almost like the wind is giving my last words for me.
Stephanie and I watch the car pull away. – leaving without me. I stand in the doorway, unwilling to move, and resisting the desire to run after the car. I know in my mind it won’t help, but my body screams in agony. Deep down I know there will be no peace for by muscles tonight. – I hate this.
“You can call me Stephanie.” She smiles and with a faint twinkle in her eye. She must be new at this. “Come on in, I’ll show you around.”
Her dark brown hair flows as she steps aside to let me walk through the doorway. This is it, the moment where the abyss will swallow me up. I’ll have to go inside this cold dark house.
Although, the house isn't really dark, it is pretty bright for being nighttime. She must have every light in the house on. But it still feels dark to me. I’m sure it’s the unknowing part, the not knowing what’s next or what to expect. I hate not knowing. I hate the feeling that at any moment the bottom could and probably will, fall out.
I take a deep breath and step inside. I walk right into a small front room with earth colors everywhere. Greens, blues and browns seem to dance in the light of the room. The house suddenly feels open and warm, like a distant memory.
The image of the kitchen, which should be the next room, floods my mind. I feel a wave of energy run through my body, as I see each room, one after another inside my head. I’m not sure what’s going on. But I know how each room looks, smells, and feels like. Everything about this house -I know.
The kitchen has a chef theme. Little porcelain chef’s line the window seal and around the dark blue granite counter tops. Dark wood cabnites hung above the counter and seam to dance with the little herb garden sitting on the breakfast bar.
On the other side of the dinning room there are stares which lead to the master bedroom. –They have a copper brown comforter on their bed, and a strong small of…. tulips?
Down the hall there’s an office with pictures of the world around the walls and two very large bookcases. The basement holds a family room with a flat screen TV and the laundry room with dancing cows on the wall.
I freeze again. But this time I hold my breath and close my eyes. I can’t believe I remember this house. When have I been here? I can’t find a single moment where I’d been here. But than again, there is half my life I don’t remember. But I’ve never heard of Kennewick before today. Yet here I am, in a house, where I’ve been before.
“Are you okay?” Stephanie’s voice seems to ring in the air.
I don’t want to answer her. I want to find the memory. I want to keep the feeling of familiarity inside me. -If I speak, would it all go away? Her eyes peer into my face, burning the left side of it. She’s waiting for me to say something, or maybe she’s just waiting for me to breathe. I don’t know. But I will have to try and remember later- maybe tonight, before I let out the real tears inside of me.
“I’m fine.” I sigh after a minute.
“Are you sure? You look a little flushed. Do you want some water, or something to eat?”
“No. I’m fine, it’s just…” I’m not sure what I was about to tell her.
“Déjà Vu?” she answers for me.
“yeah.” I hesitate.
“You know what they say about Déjà vu?”
“What?”
“It means your going in the right direction, because you’ve already been there.” Stephanie winks and bumps my arm as she walks past me.
I didn’t realize she had closed the door and took my bag from me, while I was breathing the house in. She’s either very quick or I’m completely out of my mind. I’m leaning toward the second one.
We walk around the house as she shows me each room. Amazingly, every room is exactly how I saw it in the doorway. Clean, organized, and open. The smell of lilies in the kitchen, Oak in the office, even the TV room looks exactly like the picture inside my mind. - It’s a strange feeling.
By the time Stephanie stops in front of the room at the end of the hall, I know which room it is. -My room.
“I’m sure you’ll want to get settled” She sets my bag on top of the bed and starts to head out the door. “Wade, my husband, is working late tonight, he’s a fireman. I’m sure you’ll meet him tomorrow. He’s one of those annoying morning people.” She sighs. “I work at the high school, so I’ve already signed you up. I hope that’s okay.”
“Okay.” That’s all I could say. It’s hard enough to get that out. I could feel the lump in my throat. – I’m starting to lose it.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” Stephanie said for about the fifth time. I'm not really sure why she keeps asking me that. But my answer is always the same.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
“Well if you change your mind. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.” She smiles once more and closes the door behind her.
At least there’s one good thing about being here. I’ll have time for myself, even if I don’t want it. But right now I’d rather be alone than have to come up with something to say. The room is perfect, exactly how I saw it in the doorway. Every color in the room seems to call out to me, like I’m in some kind of a dream. That’s the strangest part.
The bed looks new. The dark cherry wood seems to sparkle in the light. A perfect light blue and brown comforter lies across the top of the bed, and some throw pillows to match. The dresser across from the bed has some small pictures frames with nothing in them. I guess I’m supposed to fill them with pictures? Fat chance that will be, I’ll be out of here before they even know it.
The small desk has a used laptop with a view outside the window. The laptop is the only thing in the room that doesn’t look bran new.
The alarm clock on the desk reads 10:46pm. It’s amazing how late it is. The whole day seems like a blur. I should be sleepy, but I don’t want to sleep. I hate the first night in a new places. This house will be even worst. I know the minute my head hits the pillow, Seattle will rush into my mind. I’ll be forced to remember that I just left everything that I love. The rain, the ocean, the mountains, they’re all gone. Not to mention everyone I know is there.
Tears start to fill my eyes. I’ll put my things away. I think, as I shuck my head. I don’t want to think about Seattle right now.
I don’t have much, so it doesn’t take me long to unpack. I unzip my bag and quickly grab everything out of it.
Everything I own can fit into one drawer of the dresser. I open the top drawer to find it’s already full of clothes. -Every drawer is full. Every inch of the small walk-in closet is full too.
“Great! I’m living in their second closet.” I throw my clothes on the floor of the closet and headed out. Just as the door swings forward a peace of paper taped to the door catches my eye.
Everything is yours.
Welcome home!
-Wade and Stephanie
Frozen again, I just keep reading the words “Everything is yours” over and over again. Everything is mine? Everything? I lay my fingers on the fabric of the clothes hanging in the closet. The cotton of a t-shirt is smooth on my fingertips. Each shirt has a new sensation. There’s something for everything- shirts, pants, shorts, shoes, and dresses- anything I could have asked for or needed, is here. I run my hands down to the bottom of the clothes as I walk around the small closet. Tags hung at the bottom and tangle in my fingers. –They’re my size. All of the shirts, dresses, pants, everything is in my size. It’s a little mini mall just for me.
“How do they know my size?”
Everything is lined up out so carefully, so neatly, so…. so…. perfect. How could I live up to this!?!
I sit down next to the fresh new shoes. I’ve never had new shoes before, at least not all to myself. About four years ago, I got to share new shoes with another girl in the house. But I moved out the next week, so that was the end of that. The smell of the new shoes fills my head, and makes the room start to spin.
If I was a normal fifteen year old girl, I would be jumping up and down as if I had just won the lottery. I’ve never been in a more beautiful home. I’ve also never been given this much. But I’m not normal, and I feel empty inside.
The carpet on the floor is fluffy and inviting; I lay my head on the floor and let the smells of the new items fill my lungs- It is illuminating. The room is still spinning, when I close my eyes. – It is all too much. What if I can’t fit into their perfect picture? The panic from the car is starting to creep its way back. And tears start to fall from my eyes.
“This is just like all the other houses! It won’t last! They will ask me to leave eventually. NONE of this is mine.” I tell myself through tears. “It will all stay here when I leave. NONE of it is mine.” I take two deep breath as I wrap my arms around my knees and start to rock myself.
I could hear the wind outside gaining power – trying to comfort me. I try desperately to picture the last house I was in. Messy, clattery, with nine other screaming kids running around. – The smell of chicken frying in the kitchen. But the floor here is oddly comfortable and keeps me present - as I let the tears run down my face.
No comments:
Post a Comment