“Get up Jazlyn! We’re here.” Ms. Starling said from the front seat of her car.
I’m not really asleep. I closed my eyes about an hour ago, while Ms. Starling was talking about how wonderful her Toyota is. She talked so long, that it was driving me to the brink of insanity! When I stared to think about how easy it would be to jump out of her car, I shut my eyes and rested my head against the window, as if I had fallen asleep.
Her voice has always driven knives into my nerves. I'm not sure how much more I could have taken it, before I start screaming. I had to do something to shut her up. But yelling and screaming isn’t going to help in this matter. So I did the next best thing, I pretended I wasn't here. It worked for a little while. She stopped talking about an hour ago. But now, there isn’t any way to stop her. I heard the tires of the car come to a slow stop, and I inhale the Washington air, letting the fear of unknown wrap itself fully inside my body.
Unlike Ms. Starling, I hate this car. This is the car that takes me away from everything I know. This, ugly, smelly, blue car, is always the result of something gone wrong. This time, this horrible derange time, I have no idea why I’m being taken as far as Ms. Starling is legally able to take me. I’ve never heard of Kennewick before, and now I’m supposed to start over here? -Whatever that means. How do you start over, when you really don’t want to in the first place?
“Come on.” Ms. Starling commands as she slides out the front seat.
I can see her waiting for me to do the same thing. But I can’t move. I can’t muster up the same strength to open my door. The house we’re parked in front of is too dark to see. Almost like a black hole or an abyss. There is nothing in that house that I want, nothing that could fix my world, or put it back together.
I never thought of leaving Seattle. I never dreamed of a world without the city lights, without the sound of the Sea. Or the mountain tops so close you could touch them. My breathing gives my panic away, as it becomes quick and short. I thought I’d have more time, more time… to… hate this car! To think of a way out! ANY way out.
How can I start over? I’m just starting to get the hang of things.
I fidget with my fingers. - looking at each fingernail. I’d bitten them all off on the drive here. I try to breathe, or move, but my heart pounds in my chest like a humming bird. I’m glued to the seat, and my body won’t let me leave.
A tear drops from my right eye. But I catch it before she looks through the window.
I know there is no way out of this. I will be left here tonight. I’ll be forced into making a new start whether I like it or not. But a few more minutes to breathe might be helpful.
“It’s a new life.” Ms. Starling said about 50 times on the way here.
A new lie is more like it. A lie of a happy home, with happy children, and happy parents who love each other, takes care of each other. Is there really such a place? I don’t think so. I no longer believe in fairytales. Human beings don’t take care of each other. All they’ve ever done is pass me off when things get tough.
I take another deep breath, as Ms. Starling opens the back door across from me. She reaches in and grabs my bag.
“Come on! Some people have to drive back tonight.” Her voice is rough and stern. I can tell she’s tired of having me starting over too.
She slams the door. I jerk and watch her walk to the front of the car. -stopping to peer in at me.
How long would this one last? I wonder. How long before they, call Ms. Starling and ask her to come pick me up? I twist my fingers around each other. The last home wasn't the best, but I was there the longest. -Five months, that has to count for something.
I take another deep breath, and wonder how long Ms. Starling will let me stay here and panic? Could I have five minutes? Ten? But my luck doesn’t run like that, and it’s not long before I know my answer.
“Tap, tap, tap” she taps on the window. I want to kick, scream and yell at the top of my lungs. “You miserable shell of a human being! Let me be! Aren't social workers supposed to be caring, loving, passionate people? Not cold and heartless that seems to ooze out of every inch in their body!” But like my body, my voice won’t work either.
It won’t help anyways. I remind myself. The little time I have - is up. There’s nothing I can do about it. I will have to go into the abyss.
As I open the door slowly, Ms. Sterling’s eyes look like their about to pop out of her head. She hands me my bag and turns quickly towards the house without looking too closely at me. That is probably the best thing about Ms. Sterling. I decide. She'll at least turn when you drop your head. She won’t even say anything about the second tear that drops from my eyes either. She will go on as she always has. Yes. That is the best thing about her.
The air outside is cool, and I feel a little better when the wind blows across my arm. I don’t know what I’d do, if I had to give up my windy days too. The strong, cool, forceful wind, that could smooth your skin on a hot steamy day. - Those are my favorite days. It’s the only time when life makes sense.
The front door of the abyss soars open before we even knock. A lanky brunet stands in the doorway.
“You must be Jazlyn Love.” She says with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
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