“Okay that was weird.” Shelly’s voice was cloudy in my mind. “What did he say to you?”
“Ummm... nothing.” I tangled my hair with my fingers, and tried to feel the star under my shirt. It wasn’t jumping like before. It felt cold, almost icy.
“Do you know him? Is he some love affair from Seattle?” Shelly took a breath in. “Oh… that’s soo romantic. He followed you here.”
The school bell rang above us. Both Shelly and I jumped into full speed. I have History in 5 minuets; I focused on that as much as I could. That is something I can do. I'm good at that. -Avoiding reality and focusing on what I can understand. I first map out the school inside my mind which lets my feet move. Shelly is on heals, and saying something, but I don’t stop. I can't think about her right now. I have to get back to something real. Something that's plan and simple…. timeless… history class is timeless, never changing, never! What's in the past, stays there. History, finito, gone forever. I can deal with that.
I made it to class without having to take a second thought on how to get there. I picked the first seat I could find, just as Mr. Ketchum starts the class. Shelly sits three seats behind me. I’m glad She couldn’t find a seat closer to me. I need to be in my own head for a bit. Mr. Ketchum’s lesson is on Susan B. Anthony, which is perfect, because I’ve already had this lesson about a week ago. I'm able to fully escape into my mind.
The crazy part of my mind ran to Jayden first. I couldn’t help but see the pain in his eyes when he left. Why did I say that him? Why couldn’t I stop myself? As soon as i felt his touch, I wanted nothing but him. Even Zailor didn’t mean anything to me, as long as he was near.
I thought about the vision, or memory, that flashed into my mind earlier. -His warm hand brushing my cheek, as he moves my hair. His loving embrace trapped me in some magical world. -It's painful to even think about it now. Now that he’s gone, and he is gone. I know that for sure. Would he go after Zailor alone? I wonder. Would he come back?
When the sane part of me came around. it wonders, why Jayden even meant so much to me? I just met him, and I was willing to throw everything away for him?
I know it was the sane part of me that held my body in place when he left. It's that part of me that wants to stay here; wants to make a life here with Stephanie and Wade. Wants friends that would stick around longer then a few months. It's that part that won’t let me fully go crazy now.
By the time first hour is up, neither question is answered. But I'm not fully myself either. I stand as soon as the bell rings, grab my bookbag and dash out before Shelly has the chance to get close to me. I know she wants to ask more about Jayden. But, the crazy part of me wants to keep him all to myself, and the sane part, doesn’t want to tell her he's part of my nightmares.
I wave in between kids, not knowing where I'm heading. I'm not going to my next class, that I know for sure. English was to the right of history. Down the hall, make two rights and in room 211. But when I left history, I truned left. I don't care. I tell myself. I wouldn't be there even if I was. I'm numb by the time the bell rings and I find myself in front of a computer lab.
Just before I slip inside the room. I see Zailor in the corner of my eye. A shadow of him more like it. By the time I do a dubble take, his gone. I bult into the lab and hope the teach doesn't notice an extra kid in the mix. I almost topple over some kids as I head to the furthest seat I can see. So much for inconspicuous, Jaz. Somehow, I make to the seat and hide behind a computer screen, just as the teacher turns around.
That's when I notice it. The shacking in my hands. The panic that oozes out of me. My heart that's about to burst out of my chest, and run away for me.
I have to calm down. People are starting to stair.
"I hate being late." I chuckle.
All I get back from the blonde girl next to me, is a roll of her eyes. But at least she turns her focus to the teacher.
I take a deep breath and will my heart to slow its run. I can feel my star under my shirt again. It's not burning thankfully, but it tickles a bit. Almost saying "Hey. hey you. Let me out to play." But I smooth it over with my finger. Let my right hand search online what I always search for when I have internet and a panic attack.
Macy's Jane Doe
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